“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.