Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m sorry…what?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
You have been warned.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account