Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
this is how life feels
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Cat is stressing him out.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
how long have you had this for?
Lmaoo 😂
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.