ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.