there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.