Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
congratulations to them
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Love is in the air fryer.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it