Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
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I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Somebody’s lying.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in