As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“and how does that make you feel?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”