Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE