Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Happens to everyone.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT