They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.