Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.