this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Autocarrot sucks!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!