Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats