Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Milk Cube
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
saw this in a dream