Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*