Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I