The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Practicing safe sax
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.