HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.