Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.