ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Genius idea!!
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.