“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You Might Also Like
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Good boy 😂😂
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat