Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Important reminders
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.