God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.