It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing