Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Guantanamo Bae
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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