There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?