The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot