Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”