I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.