#Caturday
You Might Also Like
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
(True)
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
best first i’ve ever seen
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.