Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Based Erika
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”