I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
tinder is all about the long game
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
beware of dog
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up