My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
car not found
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.