[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
CRYING
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.