The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*