If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.