A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
HELP 😭
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )