“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.