My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
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-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Grandmother clock.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.