Tell the colonel to bring it
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.