Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet