This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You Might Also Like
was Jim off killing horses or…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
love it when they get my name right
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.