[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
did it work
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless