How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I have a new favorite meme page
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”