This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.