It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Extremely relatable.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here