it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
this country is so goddamn polarized
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.