You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Vodka burrito was a success
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Fluff me with a fork baby
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?