Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
never ask a starfish for directions
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.